Extreme NGE Stereotypes
by funvince
Summary: Not your typical NGE humor fic. A series of spoofs with each chapter focusing on a character stereotype and making fun of it. We've gone through Robotic Rei, the Incredible Asuka, and Genie Shinji. Now watch as Evil Overlord Gendo gets his comeuppance...
1. Robotic Rei

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me and neither do the characters of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (*sob!*). They were created by the insane- ahem, *misunderstood* genius of Hideaki Anno and the other twisted minds at Gainax. ;)  
  
WARNING: Continuity and consistency mean nothing to me. I will mow down the fourth wall with a bulldozer whenever the urge hits me. You have been warned. Those of you still here, enjoy the ride. :)  
  
AN: There aren't enough humorous Evangelion fics out there and I intend to help with this discrepancy. NGE may be a naturally dark series, but that's why it's perfect for making fun of! If Ranma ½ can have angst fics, Sailor Moon can have darkfics, and Pokemon can have romance fics (eww!!!) then why not?  
  
Anyway, Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:  
  
************************************************************  
  
NGE STEREOTYPES TAKEN TO THE EXTREME  
  
-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen  
  
************************************************************  
  
-Robotic Rei-  
  
Somewhere inside NERV...  
  
The sirens blared, sending workers scrambling to their posts. The complex was switched over to emergency lighting that cast everything in a harsh red glow. All nonessential personnel were evacuated within minutes of the alarm. NERV had gone on full emergency status to deal with their newest and most dangerous threat to Tokyo-3 and the world.  
  
Rei Ayanami. Classified as the 17th and a ½ Angel. (1)  
  
Two red eyes shone out of the shadows lighting up the dimly lit hallway like a laser. An albino, bluehaired girl in a white plugsuit appeared from the darkness looking incredibly hot and dangerous. And did I mention hot?  
  
"Why are you doing this?" a voice cried from above her.  
  
Rei stopped and turned her head toward the security camera tracking her movements.  
  
"I must destroy," Rei intoned in her emotionless, monotonous, soulless, inhuman, (are you getting the point?) voice.  
  
There was no reply so the girl continued on her way to Terminal Dogma.  
  
~ * ~  
  
On the Nerv bridge...  
  
"Damn it, where's Gendo?" Misato asked looking around wildly. "I'm not taking the blame for this!"  
  
"He's still in the hospital from when I accidentally stepped on him with my EVA last month, remember?" Shinji replied.  
  
The bridge crew looked at him. Maya said slowly, "I've been meaning to ask you about that. How do you 'accidentally' break through your restraints, run through seventeen walls, land directly on your father's office then stomp on your father half a dozen times?"  
  
"I must have hit a wrong button or something," Shinji said laughing nervously. He quickly changed the subject. "And speaking of things gone horribly wrong, shouldn't we get in our EVAs to stop Rei?"  
  
Misato smiled grimly. "Didn't you hear? After the last Angel attack, Fuyutsuki secretly sold the EVAs to the Smithsonian and brought an island in the Caribbean."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"He also left a note for your father." She passed a piece of paper to Shinji.  
  
'Ikari, do you have a scenario for *this,* you uptight control freak? I didn't think so. See you in hell! Best wishes, Fuyutsuki.'  
  
Misato said, "I have to admit that if it wasn't for our impending gruesome deaths, I'd send him a fruit basket. I mean, who knew he had it in him?"  
  
"Aaahh!" Asuka who had been silent until now screamed. "What the hell are you people doing? We have to do something to stop Wondergirl from starting Third Impact!"  
  
"That's our cue to go to our pointless, bloody deaths," Misato informed the bridge. "Come on, folks."  
  
As Asuka moved to follow, Shinji grabbed her arm. "Wait a minute. Rei *can't* start Third Impact. Father's in the hospital along with the Adam embryo implanted in his hand. Rei can't start Third Impact with just Lilith!" Shinji gained a thoughtful look. "And how do I know all of this anyway?"  
  
Asuka looked around nervously. "Baka! There's no time to talk about massive plot holes and continuity damage. We have to stop Rei!"  
  
Asuka grabbed Shinji's arm and dragged him toward the elevator. One directly opposite of the one Misato was leaving on. For you see, Asuka had a plan.  
  
The world is doomed.  
  
~ * ~  
  
In the hallway outside Terminal Dogma...  
  
It was an impressive sight. All of the Section 2's top agents (translation: all those who hadn't run away in time) covered the main entrance with an array of weaponry that would have made Kensuke sell his mother just to get a glimpse of.  
  
Major Misato Katsuragi had her serious face on. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her lips were set in a thin line. She turned to her troops. "Men, we are the last line of defense for humanity. This Angel must be stopped at all costs. You are authorized to use lethal force to take out the threat."  
  
Suddenly, Misato straightened up and rubbed the back of her head nervously. "But try not to hurt her too badly, okay? The Commander will kill us! We do seem to have a current shortage of Reis." She glared at Ritsuko who was staring off to the side and whistling innocently.  
  
"There she is!" Makoto cried.  
  
Indeed, moving silently toward them was the First Child. She looked like a demon brought to life. But once again, an incredibly hot demon girl.  
  
Shigeru turned to his friend. "Why must our artificial creations always turn against us?"  
  
"Because it's a standard bad science fiction cliché?" Makoto suggested.  
  
Misato ignored the commentary and said, "Fire!"  
  
A wave of gunfire streaked down the hallway. Rei raised a hand and the bullets stopped mere inches from her body and dropped to the ground. It was almost as if the bullets had hit some type of force field.  
  
"She's the One," an agent said in awe.  
  
His head was immediately blown off by his partner for that horrible, horrible pop culture reference.  
  
"Cease fire!" Misato cried. "Rei! Please stop and listen to me for a moment!"  
  
Rei did stop and though her visage didn't change an iota, she did tilt her head slightly to the side.  
  
"You don't want to do this, Rei. You don't want to hurt your friends. You don't want to hurt Shinji or Asuka. Well, actually, I wouldn't blame you about killing Asuka, but what about the rest of us? I mean, sure, we made you from a monster, used you like a tool, and brought you back to life over and over again when what you really wanted was the sweet release of death. But we did these things out of love and compassion! Right, Ritsuko?"  
  
"What the hell are you smoking?" Ritsuko blurted. "Uh, I mean, what she said. We lo-lo-love you, Rei." She smiled sickly.  
  
Misato sighed. "Okay, let's cut the bullshit. You have every reason in the world to kill us all, but deep down I don't think you want to. You were built to destroy Rei, but I think you can learn to love."  
  
Rei's body started trembling.  
  
Misato stared at her in shock. Was Rei going to cry? Did she really have emotions deep down? Was there more to Rei Ayanami than was shown on the surface? Was Rei... performing the Robot dance? And... giving them the finger?  
  
"That's it. The bitch dies!" Ritsuko cried pulling an object out of her bag and throwing it at Rei.  
  
BOOM!!!  
  
There was nothing left of Rei but splatters of blood on the walls and ceiling.  
  
"What was that?!"  
  
Ritsuko smiled smugly. "Just a little something I've been working on. A mine that can penetrate an AT Field and vaporize its creator. She won't be back."  
  
The blood turned silver. Puddles of goo formed out of nowhere and began joining together into a humanoid shape.  
  
The panicked soldiers began shooting with everything they had to no avail.  
  
Misato stared at the reforming Rei in horror. "She's not human!"  
  
Ritsuko gave her friend a Look. "We've known that since Episode 23, you idiot!"  
  
Misato stared at her blankly.  
  
"Come on! You just dissed me about destroying all those Rei clones!" Still no comprehension. "She's an Angel for crying out loud!"  
  
"What's that have to do with Rei not being human?"  
  
Ritsuko fell over.  
  
Misato smiled to herself. If she was going to die, she wasn't doing it without pissing off Ritsuko first.  
  
The fully reformed Rei came into contact with the first line and...  
  
CENSORED. GRAPHIC IMAGES OF VIOLENCE, CARNAGE, AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.  
  
~ * ~  
  
Inside Terminal Dogma...  
  
"Asuka! Will you please tell me your plan?" Shinji whined.  
  
"For the last time, no! I want this to be a surprise. Now, just sit there and be a good human shield," Asuka replied.  
  
"I have a bad feeling about this," Shinji muttered.  
  
The doorway began to open causing both Children to stiffen.  
  
"Something wicked this way comes," Asuka whispered.  
  
"Asuka, that's mean," Shinji protested.  
  
"Of course, it's mean! She's not coming in here to have a tea party, you moron!"  
  
Rei came in through the doorway looking like she always did. One wouldn't have been able to guess that it was her intent to destroy the world. She didn't appear to notice the two pilots directly in her path.  
  
"Stop right there, you stupid doll!" Asuka yelled.  
  
"Way to get on her good side, Asuka," Shinji said sarcastically. To his surprise, Rei did stop and it may have been his imagination, but it looked like her eyebrow was twitching.  
  
Asuka whipped out a large red folder out of nowhere and began flipping through it. "According to my Evangelion FAQ guide, you're attempting to jumpstart human evolution and bring us to a perfect state of being."  
  
"..." Rei said.  
  
Asuka continued, "Logically, that means humans are imperfect. And since you said that your mission was to destroy, that means you interpret Third Impact as destroying an imperfect humanity and replacing it with a better one." She paused dramatically. "Wondergirl, you are imperfect as well though."  
  
Shinji fell over then got up yelling, "This is your grand plan? Pulling a Captain Kirk?!"  
  
"Ssh! This will work." Asuka turned back to Rei. "Since your mission is to destroy what is imperfect and you are obviously imperfect being part human and well, you I think for you to carry out your mission you have to destroy yourself first!"  
  
There was a long pause. Then Rei said slowly, "The Second Child is correct. I must carry out my prime directive."  
  
She slumped to the floor and the red glow in her eyes dimmed then was extinguished completely.  
  
"Yay! I'm the best! I'm the best!" Asuka exclaimed jumping up and down.  
  
Shinji rubbed his eyes in disbelief. "I can't believe that worked. I thought for sure Rei would realize that the most efficient way to complete her mission is to initiate Third Impact thus destroying all of us *and* herself."  
  
The red glow came back to Rei's eyes and she sat up. "Thank you, Ikari-kun. I had not considered that."  
  
"SHINJI NO BAKA!!!" Asuka cried slamming Shinji into a wall. Then she calmed down and said, "Time for Plan B then!"  
  
She pulled out a remote and pushed a button. The tile beneath Rei's feet disappeared and she fell into a vat of liquid nitrogen.  
  
Not completely though. Rei had flung out her arms and succeeded in keeping everything above her shoulders from going under, but it was obvious that she didn't have the strength to pull herself out.  
  
Asuka breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God for the Commander's paranoia." Then she raised her foot to push Rei down and finish the job, but Shinji stopped her. He looked very old at the moment. He said quietly, "An Ikari started this mess. An Ikari will finish it."  
  
He knelt down by Rei and gently stroked her hair. "I'm sorry, Aya- Rei. I never thought that it would end this way. I'm really going to miss you. You were one of the few friends I ever had." He closed his eyes and prepared to push down before he felt a hand touching his face.  
  
Shinji opened his eyes. Rei's face was as impassive as always, but he could feel the force of her stare looking into him.  
  
Rei said softly, "I am and always will be your friend." She raised her arms above her head and sank beneath the icy liquid.  
  
~*~  
  
Author's Aftersection  
  
Vincent (staring at screen): GAAHH!!! What the hell?! This was supposed to be a humor fic!  
  
(Asuka walks into the room)  
  
Asuka: You're just too sentimental. But you have a bigger problem. You made Rei's character inconsistent.  
  
Vincent: You're going to have to narrow it down there, A-chan.  
  
Asuka: The point of this chapter was to make fun of those people who believe Rei is an emotionless robot who doesn't care about anyone. A view I completely agree with by the way. But in the end, you made her a Vulcan!  
  
Vincent (shrugging): Vulcan, robot. What's the difference?  
  
(Asuka glares)  
  
Vincent (sighs): I was just showing the alternative to Robot Rei. I always thought Rei was more akin to a Spock or a Commander Data or a Seven of Nine than an automaton. Besides, I felt Rei deserved a better death than being put down like a rabid dog.  
  
(Asuka doesn't look like she's buying it)  
  
Asuka: You just couldn't resist using the Spock death speech, could you?  
  
Vincent: BEST DEATH SCENE EVER!  
  
(Asuka stalks out in disgust)  
  
(Shinji sticks his head in)  
  
Shinji: I just want to thank you for not making me a spineless wimp in this chapter.  
  
Vincent (smiling evilly): You shouldn't thank me just yet. I have plans for you, Shinji, my boy.  
  
(Shinji pales and runs away... as is usual for him)  
  
Vincent (looks after Shinji thoughtfully then shakes his head): Let the poor boy quiver in fear for a while. Besides, it'll be more fun to do Asuka next.  
  
*Footnotes:  
  
(1) Remember that humanity is the 18th Angel.  
  
*Apologies to all respective owners for my references to:  
  
-Star Trek, Matrix, Lilo & Stich, Ray Bradbury, Ranma ½, Terminator, and of course... the Simpsons. 


	2. The Incredible Asuka

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me and neither do the characters of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (*sob!*). They were created by the insane- ahem, *misunderstood* genius of Hideaki Anno and the other twisted minds at Gainax. ;)  
  
REMEMBER: Continuity and consistency be damned!  
  
Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:  
  
************************************************************  
  
NGE STEREOTYPES TAKEN TO THE EXTREME  
  
-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen  
  
************************************************************  
  
-The Incredible Asuka-  
  
In Asuka's hospital room at NERV...  
  
Shinji stared at the floor. It was over. All the Angels were defeated. The Earth was saved. He would never have to fight in an EVA again. It was over. This was what he wanted since he came to Tokyo-3. And all it cost him was his soul.  
  
He knew that he shouldn't feel this way. He knew that Kaworu had been an Angel and had to be destroyed. He also knew that the memory of his EVA's hand clenching shut would haunt him forever.  
  
The sound of a whimper brought him out of his thoughts. He looked at the bed to see two blue orbs staring at him. She looked so pale and tired. He asked, "Are you okay?"   
  
Asuka nodded weakly then asked, "Did we win?"  
  
"Yeah, I killed the last Angel." Shinji was silent for a moment then laughed bitterly. "I suppose I should be happy, but I'm not. My life has been hell for so long. I hurt Mari the first day I came here then I ended up crippling her brother. Kaji's dead. Rei died but she comes back and I find out she's a clone. My father's a bastard and my mom's soul is stuck in Unit 01. And just when I think that it can't get any worse, I end up killing the only person who ever cared for me just for being me."  
  
"Shinji?"  
  
Shinji looked at her. "Yes, Asuka?"  
  
"I am so sick of your whining!" Asuka screamed. The machines around her bed began beeping as she struggled to get up. "I can't believe someone so pathetic always beats me! You're always rescuing me, you've destroyed more Angels than Wondergirl and I combined, and now you get all the glory of singlehandedly destroying the last Angel! Your name will be remembered for the next thousand years while I'll be lucky to get a footnote in some damn history book!!!"  
  
Shinji backed away with his hands out trying to ward her off. "Calm down, Asuka!" He watched her skin ripple and turn red.   
  
"Calm down? CALM DOWN?!" Asuka roared. Her body grew larger and her arms and legs grew as thick as tree trunks.  
  
Shinji felt a warm liquid run down his leg as the towering red monstrosity revealed its jagged teeth.  
  
"ASUKA SMASH!!!"  
  
~*~  
  
In Gendo's office...  
  
The two men silently watched the screen showing the thing that had been Asuka smash through wall after wall swatting aside anyone that got in her way. The people who managed to survive her attacks would probably have to eat through a straw for the rest of their lives, but they were far luckier than what remained of poor Shinji Ikari.  
  
Finally, Gendo spoke gravely, "And so it has begun. What we have feared for so long has come to pass."  
  
Fuyutsuki was silent for a moment, contemplating his colleague's words. "You have no idea what's going on, do you?"  
  
"Not a clue."  
  
~*~  
  
On the NERV bridge...  
  
"That looks like that would hurt."  
  
"Well, his head is ten meters from his body. It's not exactly a paper cut."  
  
"Paper cuts hurt like hell!"  
  
"Whatever. Doesn't she look like that green fellow from that American manga?"  
  
"In America, they're called comic books." (1)  
  
"Shut up, Makoto. Wow, I didn't know Section 2 had rocket launchers."  
  
"Too bad they just ticked her off. And there goes his spleen."  
  
"Never liked him. Bastard's always stealing my parking spot."  
  
Misato stared at the bridge bunnies watching the carnage while munching popcorn and doing running commentary. "I'm surrounded by idiots."  
  
It was too bad that she had no idea what to do herself. Both Gendo and Fuyutsuki had made a sudden, unexpected trip to America leaving her in charge. Something about checking out timeshares in Florida. (2)  
  
She didn't know what to do. The Third Child was a pancake, the Second *was* the problem, and the First wasn't answering her phone. She had people scrambling to bring Touji in from Osaka, but he was still too far away to be of any help. She muttered, "I wish Kaji was here."  
  
"You called, m'lady?" a suave male voice called out.  
  
Misato whirled around to see a tall man in a white and black tuxedo stroll onto the bridge. He held a martini in his right hand. Due to her long experience with alcohol, she knew it was shaken, not stirred.   
  
Her mouth opened and closed soundlessly as her gaze switched from Kaji to the martini then back to Kaji. Finally, she said, "Um, didn't you die?"  
  
Kaji flashed her his lady-killer smile. "Details, details."  
  
"I don't have time for your games, Kaji! Do you know anything about this?"  
  
Kaji sighed. "It's time to reveal the horrible secret of the Langley family."  
  
"You don't mean...?"  
  
Kaji looked surprised. "You know?"  
  
"I always suspected, but I never thought…"  
  
"It's true."  
  
"But she's only a quarter Japanese..."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"I can't believe that Asuka's burakumin!"  
  
Kaji fell to the floor. Then he shouted, "This isn't that type of fic!"  
  
"Oh," Misato said, shrugging. "She's always refusing to talk about her family and it would explain her hatred of Japan..."  
  
"Please just stop." Kaji got to his feet and dusted himself off. "Let's try this again. Asuka is a descendant of Akane Tendo and Ryouga Hibiki."  
  
"The Beserkers of Nerima?" Misato gasped. "The couple that required both the JSSDP and the U.S. Army to put down? Well, that explains Asuka's massive strength and mental instability. But how does she turn red and scary like that?"  
  
"Oh, that. Well, Asuka's also half-demon. Let's just say that her mother had some strange tastes in lovers and leave it at that."  
  
Misato collapsed into a chair and gripped her head. "Asuka's a demon. So Kensuke and Touji were right after all. Damn it, I lost the bet!"  
  
Kaji watched the major sob for a few minutes then decided to address the bridge. "Look, we don't have much time before she reaches the surface and starts slaughtering civilians. The demon blood combined with the Hibiki-Tendo genes has made Asuka one of the most indestructible beings the world has ever known. Only Rei can stop her."  
  
"Why Rei?" Maya asked.  
  
"Well, part-Angel against a part-Demon. I'm sure there's a certain twisted symmetry there."  
  
Before anyone could reply, Makoto shouted, "The JSSDP are attacking!"  
  
Kaji smirked. "I guess Asuka will be good for something then. Now, where's Rei?"  
  
No one had an answer for him.  
  
~*~  
  
In the empty security lounge...  
  
Rei Ayanami listened to Mister Kaji explain that only she could stop the Second Child. Since it was her duty to protect humanity from bizarre threats to its existence, she stood up and prepared to leave. Then her attention was drawn to another screen.  
  
Asuka had broken into the launch bay and was currently tearing Unit 00 into teeny, tiny bits. The sounds of a dying EVA was truly horrible to hear.  
  
Rei then decided that it would be better to observe the situation for a few more minutes. For tactical reasons, of course. She sat back down.  
  
~*~  
  
Outside the Geofront...  
  
Commander Takahashi could not believe his eyes. He had brought enough weaponry and troops to take out NERV even if the EVAs attacked, but this… Thing was ripping through his troops like Germany taking Poland. Or Russia taking Poland. Or... you get the idea.  
  
He watched the demon grab a tank by the turret and swing it into the distance. He had the sudden thought that the Warner Brothers would be angry then wondered why he thought that.  
  
He watched the monster shrug off missiles and grenades and knew what he had to do. He licked his dry lips and spoke into his com unit. "Drop the bomb."  
  
And the N2 mine descended...  
  
It didn't work, of course.  
  
~*~  
  
Back in the security lounge...  
  
Rei examined her fingernails and wondered if they made a polish that would go with her blue hair and white skin. Then she noticed a giant ball of light appearing in the middle of the room. She had to squint to protect her eyes from the sheer radiance of it.  
  
THIS IS KAMI-SAMA, a voice boomed from within the ball of light. I NEED YOU TO STOP THE SECOND CHILD.  
  
"No."  
  
NO? I AM YOUR CREATOR. YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO ME-  
  
"I know it is you, Nguyen-san."  
  
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT... Oh, darn it." The light faded to reveal a sorry-looking Author. "How did you know it was me, anyway?"  
  
"Only you would be so melodramatic."  
  
Vincent began to shrink a little.  
  
"It is in poor taste to interrupt a story with a Self-Insert..."  
  
Vincent continued shrinking.  
  
"...and much more so to make yourself God."  
  
Vincent was now the size of a soda can. He shook himself and returned to his original size. "Be that as it may, would you please get out there before Asuka destroys Japan?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you still mad that I made you an almost unstoppable killing machine bent on world destruction in the last chapter?"  
  
"Enough gratuitous violence has been done to me."  
  
"What?! So you were blown up by one measly bomb. You got to slaughter half of NERV! That's got to count for something."   
  
Rei stared at him impassively.  
  
Seeing that this approach wasn't working, Vincent switched tactics. "What will it take to get you out there? Money?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Men?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Women?"  
  
Rei's eyes flashed.  
  
Vincent cringed. "I knew that would get a reaction. Heh. Ahem. All right, here's my final offer! One night of you and Shinji having wild, passionate sex. No interruptions."  
  
"Nu-" Rei paused for a moment. "That will be acceptable."  
  
~*~  
  
Back outside the Geofront...  
  
Asuka roared in triumph. She stomped down what remained of the area with anger and a warped kind of joy thundering through her veins. She mightily resisted an urge to climb a skyscraper and roar her superiority to the world. She decided to do that right here.  
  
"I AM THE BEST!!! NO ONE CAN DEFEAT ASUKA LANGLEY SORYU!!!  
  
"I'd like to test that theory," a quiet voice said.  
  
Asuka turned and saw the bluehaired girl she hated so much. So Wondergirl's come out to play? Killing her would be so sweet. Asuka let out a battle cry. "IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!"  
  
Asuka bore down on Rei at full speed. She launched out a meaty fist that slammed into a familiar red hexagonal shield. The resulting shockwave knocked down whatever remained standing. Asuka growled at this unexpected development. She redoubled her efforts. The ground began to crack at her fury, but she failed to penetrate the AT Field.  
  
Panting just a little, Asuka glared at her enemy. "AYANAMI! COME OUT, YOU COWARD! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME THAT WAY!"  
  
"You are correct." With those words, the force field around Rei disappeared.  
  
Asuka grinned toothily. Then she decided to savor her victory a bit. Lowering her voice to a more normal range, she said, "Well, well. I didn't think you had it in you. Giving yourself to a bloody, pointless death. How noble. How brave. How utterly moronic."  
  
She gave Rei a look of disdain. "So what's your master plan for stopping me?"  
  
An actual smirk appeared on the First Child's face. It was eerily similar to the one Gendo wore. Rei said softly, "I talked to your mother."  
  
"What are you talking-"  
  
A shadow was cast over both her and Ayanami. Asuka looked up and gulped. It was amazing how quietly a giant robot could sneak up on a person.  
  
The voice of Kyoko Zepplin Langley boomed from the mouth of Unit 02. "Asuka Langley Soryu, I am very disappointed in you. What have I told you about controlling your temper? And here you are running amuck and throwing a tantrum."   
  
A giant hand reached out for the terrified girl. "I think someone needs a spanking."  
  
"NO, MAMA! NO!"  
  
~*~  
  
On the NERV bridge...  
  
The crew could only stare silently at the screen. They didn't know what was more improbable. The sight of a multi-story robot chasing a red Hulk wannabe or the sight of Rei Ayanami rolling on the ground laughing hysterically.  
  
Finally, Misato grinned then said, "Talk about your Deux Ex Machina."  
  
Everyone groaned.  
  
~*~  
  
Author's Aftersection  
  
Vincent (facing audience): I know somebody's going to bring this up so let me take care of it now. I said only Rei could *stop* Asuka. And she did. With her AT Field. Isn't literalism wonderful? Anyway, anybody ever notice how much Asuka resembles Akane in some fics? All she does when she gets angry is scream the same old insults and resort to physical violence like a mindless beast. Don't you think a genius and college graduate could come up with scathing sarcastic remarks or create elegant plans of revenge? That would be an interesting change. But that's just my opinion.  
  
(Shinji comes into the room)  
  
Shinji: You wanted to see me?  
  
(Vincent tosses him a bag of condoms)  
  
Vincent: You're going to be busy tonight.  
  
Shinji: Wha-?  
  
(Asuka bursts in)  
  
Asuka: Hey, no fair! Why does Wondergirl get him?  
  
Vincent: Okay, you can have him tomorrow night.  
  
Shinji: Don't I get any say in this?  
  
Vincent: Have you ever gotten any say in anything?  
  
Shinji: Well, no, but-  
  
Vincent: So why start now? Have fun kids!  
  
(Vincent pushes a button and the two Children vanish)  
  
Vincent (adopting Thinker pose): Shinji doth protest too much, methinks.  
  
*Footnotes:  
  
(1) You ever have to explain to a friend that manga are *not* comic books? Surely, the Japanese have a similar problem!  
  
(2) Do you know that in Florida if you give up an hour of your time to pretend to be interested in getting a timeshare, you'll get free passes to Universal Studios? Well, maybe not all the timeshare places do this, but the one I went to did. Yeah, I'm cheap.  
  
*Apologies to all respective owners for my references to:  
  
-Hulk the Comic, Hulk the Movie, Fantastic Four, James Bond, Ranma ½, King Kong, Rodin, and Shakespeare for mangling his words. 


	3. Shinji's Chapter

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me and neither do the characters of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (*sob!*). They were created by the insane- ahem, *misunderstood* genius of Hideaki Anno and the other twisted minds at Gainax. ;)  
  
Review Replies:  
  
Konous the grey - I really did consider your suggestion but the result kept coming out more angsty than I liked, but I hope you enjoy what I decided to do instead.  
  
Hououza - I'm glad I could crack you up and yes, I do have a unique sense of humor. ;) Hopefully, I can get more people to appreciate it too. By the way, in total there are 38 volumes of Ranma ½ but only 22 have been translated into English. There are sites on the web where you can read fan translations though. As for Evangelion, there are currently only 7 volumes, but more should be coming out soon.  
  
Sentinel28 - Thank you for the compliment. I have never received a better one.  
  
Anyway, Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:  
  
--BROADCAST INTERRUPTED--  
  
Author's Before Section  
  
(Shinji stands in a hallway waiting just outside a door.)  
  
A voice: Come in.  
  
(Shinji enters the room and blinks trying to adjust to the dim light. After a few moments, he recognizes the figure behind the desk. It is... the Author. DUN! DUN! DUNNN...!)  
  
(Vincent sits in classic Gendo pose. His expression can not be seen, but an air of disapproval hangs around him. He tilts his head just ever so slightly so his glasses can catch the light...)  
  
Vincent: OWWW!!! MY EYES! MY EYES!  
  
(...and blinds himself)  
  
Shinji (shakes head): And people call me a wimp.  
  
Vincent: Shut up, you. Look, I'll get to the point. I'm having a hard time coming up with a good Shinji stereotype to mess around with. Sure, there's the most obvious: Cowardly Shinji. But if I make you any more spineless than you already are, you wouldn't be able to stand up!  
  
Shinji: I'm not that bad!  
  
Vincent: Right... Anyway, I thought of another option. Massively Depressed, Suicidal Shinji. There's a lot of joke potential there. But then I realized that WFROSE got all the cool attempted suicide jokes with his 'Akane the Suicidal' fic. So that's out.  
  
Shinji: I assume you're going somewhere with this...  
  
Vincent: Fine. In no particular order, we had Pervert Shinji but only Asuka really thinks that and making you a Happosai is too much even for me, then we had Messiah Shinji, Beserker Shinji, Chef Boyardee Shinji... I'm sorry, man, but I'm on the verge of skipping you altogether.  
  
Shinji: You can't do that! Please don't leave me out. I'll do anything!  
  
(A light bulb appears)  
  
Vincent: That's it! The trait that shows up again and again in fanfiction. Shinji, you have an insatiable desire to please people. You'd give your left kidney to any bum that asked for it. So take that to its logical extreme and you get...  
  
(Begins scribbling madly)  
  
--BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCAST--  
  
************************************************************  
  
NGE STEREOTYPES TAKEN TO THE EXTREME  
  
-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen  
  
************************************************************  
  
-I Dream of Shinji-  
  
When Shinji Ikari woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in bed into a magical genie. He was lying on his back in a pink harem outfit, and when he lifted his head he saw his bare midriff... and a pierced belly button. (1)  
  
Shinji didn't know how he knew he was a genie; he just had a feeling that he was one. He wondered how this could have happened to him. Perhaps a passing kami decided to have some fun with him. Or perhaps another of Ritsuko's experiments had gone horribly wrong. It was also possible that coming out of the Twelfth Angel, Leliel, had affected him more than anyone realized. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the result of being hit by a barrel of radioactive waste last week when he had pushed an old guy out of the path of a run-away tanker.  
  
It was amazing how calmly Shinji was taking his transformation. It was actually quite uncharacteristic of him. So that's why his next act was to-  
  
"AAHHH!"  
  
-scream like a little girl.  
  
"What the hell was that? How dare you wake me from my dream, Third Child! When I get my hands on you..."  
  
Shinji froze in fear. He couldn't let Asuka see him like this! He tried to pull off the pink clothing, but it refused to come off. The sound of footsteps was coming closer so Shinji threw himself in front of his door just as the knob started to turn.  
  
"Let me in!" Asuka yelled pounding on the door.  
  
"Never!" Shinji cried back, his cheeks burning in embarrassment.  
  
"Oh for crying out loud, I'm not going to hurt you that badly! It's too early for that. Now let me in!"  
  
"I'm not budging from this spot!" Shinji began. "And there's nothing you can do-"  
  
The door burst open throwing Shinji across the room.  
  
Asuka strolled in triumphantly. "What are you trying to hide, baka? It can't be a girl because no female would touch you with a ten foot pole..." Her jaw dropped.  
  
Shinji briefly considered diving out the window.  
  
"OH MY GOD! You're a cross-dresser!" Asuka didn't know whether to laugh or bash Shinji for being such a pervert. The laughter won out.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Shinji flushed. "I'm not a cross-dresser! I'm... a genie."  
  
Asuka gave him a disgusted glance. "That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard."  
  
"It's true! I can prove it! Make a wish," Shinji said desperately.  
  
"Fine. I wish that you weren't such a pervert!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
Shinji smiled. "I knew it! I'm not a pervert!"  
  
Asuka snorted. "That just proves you're not a genie. Nothing more."  
  
"Just wish for something else," Shinji growled.  
  
Asuka took a minute to think. "Okay, I'll indulge your delusion. I wish to have a dish of the finest sauerkraut in the world appear in my hand."  
  
He didn't know why but some irresistible impulse forced him to fold his arms and blink really hard.  
  
*BLINK!*  
  
Asuka stared at the plate in her hand. She slowly picked up a piece of cabbage and placed it in her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully while Shinji waited hushed with anticipation.  
  
Finally, Asuka announced, "I've had better."  
  
Shinji gritted his teeth and rhythmically clenched and unclenched his hand.  
  
Asuka continued, "I guess that's what happens when you make wishes of a third rate genie."  
  
Shinji's forehead developed a bulging vein. He said stiffly, "You know, some people would be overjoyed to have a genie like me."  
  
"Maybe if these people were dying of thirst in the desert and you were the only one around!"  
  
Shinji sighed. "Let's go see if Doctor Akagi can fix this."  
  
"Hey! I didn't get to make any real wishes yet."  
  
"But you just said-"  
  
"I changed my mind. Please try and keep up," Asuka said. Then her face turned stricken. "Mein Gott! I just wasted two wishes!"  
  
"No you didn't," Shinji said trying to reassure her. "I don't know how I know this, but I don't think I'm that kind of genie."  
  
"So how many wishes do I get?" Asuka asked.  
  
"There... doesn't seem to be a limit."  
  
"Really?" Asuka smiled and rubbed her hands together. "What should I wish for first?"  
  
Then the glee on her face vanished. Her face grew somber. She looked seriously at Shinji. "Do you think you can...?"  
  
Shinji understood. He shook his head sadly then said softly, "I can't bring people back from the dead. It's the first thing I thought of doing."  
  
The two Children stood quietly in thought for a few minutes.  
  
Then Asuka perked up. "I know!"  
  
It was just too easy to read Asuka's thoughts. Shinji sighed. "No, Asuka, I can't make Kaji fall in love with you."  
  
Asuka began cursing in German.  
  
Half an hour later, Asuka had calmed down and was reciting a wish list to Shinji. "...and I want an Ashley furniture king bed set, my own private fridge, a new pair of Birkenstocks, gift certificates to Linens N Things and Bath and Body Works, a Timex Indiglo watch, a new pair of flare cut jeans, the Ultrawheels bioflex inline skates, a Sony cellular headset..."  
  
Shinji was huffing and wheezing as he materialized items left and right. Through parched lips, he said, "Asuka, maybe we should take a break. I think we're running out of room to put all this stuff." He wasn't kidding. Pen-pen had been trying to get out of his fridge for the last ten minutes. Personally, he thought the penguin was better off.  
  
Asuka bit her lip in thought. "You're right! We need some more space around here. I wish that we lived in a palace!"  
  
Shinji groaned but did as he was commanded.  
  
While Asuka was studying the marble flooring and complaining about the gaudy architecture, Shinji focused on his inner self. He was surprised to find that he hadn't even put a dent in his energy level. Phenomenal, cosmic powers, he mused. That mean that his weariness was mostly mental and so he should be able to shrug it off.  
  
He did so. Then he heard Asuka speak again. "Hey, Shinji. I got some more stuff I want."  
  
Shinji groaned again. "Asuka, it's not that I mind giving you everything you ever wanted, which apparently is *everything,* but I've been thinking. You have infinite wishes. You think you could spare one for, oh I don't know, the poor people?"  
  
"Are you saying I'm selfish, Third Child?" Asuka asked, her eyes narrowing.  
  
"No, no, no," Shinji said holding up his hands. "I didn't mean... what I meant to say... sorry?"  
  
Asuka sighed. "Oh shut up. You're right. I should do something nice. All right, I wish for world peace." She looked at Shinji expectantly.  
  
World peace?! How the hell was he supposed to accomplish that? But before he could voice that thought, his body began to glow. Then a flash of light erupted from him. When it faded, Shinji looked over at Asuka and his jaw dropped.  
  
She had no hands.  
  
Asuka looked at the stumps where her hands used to be. Her face was eerily calm. She said in a sickly sweet voice, "Shinji... what did you do?"  
  
An alarm went off in Shinji's brain. He began slowly edging toward the door. "Well, I guess the magic thought the best way to achieve world peace was to remove everyone's hands. That kinda makes sense. I mean, people can't build any more weapons or use guns. Sure, it's a little inconvenient, but it probably won't be that bad-"  
  
Asuka lunged at Shinji and began beating on him with her arms.  
  
And so world peace lasted approximately ten seconds.  
  
~*~  
  
Misato stared at her hands and experimentally wriggled her fingers. She could have sworn that her hands had disappeared. That was why she had fainted after all. She must be suffering from overwork. A nice, stiff drink or ten was what she needed. She knew that some people thought she drank too much, but who could blame her? She created battle plans against gigantic monsters that wouldn't survive first contact with the enemy, she had to deal with a bastard of a commander, the unwanted attentions of an ex- boyfriend (well, partly unwanted), and she had to go home every night to the Terrible Twos.  
  
And now she was suffering hallucinations. At least she would be home soon where things might be chaotic, but it would be relatively normal. Five minutes later, after she discovered that her building had been replaced by something out of Arabian Nights she revised her opinion.  
  
Misato ran up to where her apartment used to be and burst inside. She grabbed both Asuka and Shinji and yelled, "What's going on?!" Then she blinked as she took in Shinji's appearance. "And what's with the cross- dressing? I knew you were a little effeminate but..."  
  
"I'm not a cross-dresser, I'm a genie!" Shinji screamed.  
  
"Oh, that's okay then." Then Misato jumped up and down in excitement. "Does that mean I can make some wishes?"  
  
Asuka looked at her strangely. "Aren't you even the tiniest bit skeptical?"  
  
Misato shrugged. "Shinji wouldn't lie to me. Now let me think! An opportunity like this must be carefully considered and evaluated. I can't just make a wish of the first thing that comes to my mind."  
  
Asuka looked over at Shinji. She said in a stage whisper, "What do you want to bet she ends up wishing for a never-ending supply of beer?"  
  
"I wouldn't do that!" Misato said indignantly. Then when Asuka wasn't looking, she mouthed, 'Shinji, we'll talk later.'  
  
A few minutes later, Misato exclaimed. "I have it!"  
  
"What?" the Children chorused.  
  
"It's something I've been wanting for a long time. I want bigger breasts!"  
  
Shinji's nose began to tingle. "Are, are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah! Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to have really big, round... wait a minute... this doesn't sound like me..."  
  
Misato turned scarlet red and stomped off-screen. "VINCENT NO HENTAI!" ^Slap!^  
  
She came back dusting off her hands. "Sorry about that. The Author's acting like a teenage boy again. You guys, I think we need a vacation. So I wish we were in Paris."  
  
*BLINK!*  
  
An instant later, the trio was standing in the middle of a large, dusty plain. They looked at the cactuses, the rattlesnakes, and watched the tumbleweed roll by. Misato looked around with a bemused expression. "Let me guess. Paris, Texas."  
  
Shinji grinned sheepishly. "Uh, oops?"  
  
Asuka was looking around with an annoyed expression. "Shinji, you would have to be the most incompetent genie that I have ever met."  
  
"He's the only genie you have ever met," Misato pointed out.  
  
Shinji wasn't listening. His world was collapsing around him. Asuka's words had shattered his fragile ego. He cried, "You're right! I'm so pathetic. I'm always hurting people and disappointing them and causing them problems- "  
  
Asuka grabbed him by the shoulders. "Shinji, I don't want to hear you put yourself down."  
  
"Really?" Shinji asked hopefully.  
  
"Yeah. So could you walk over there where I can't hear you?"  
  
Shinji fell over. He spoke into the dirt. "You're too kind, Asuka."  
  
Misato said, "Let's go home. I have a better idea, anyway."  
  
~*~  
  
The Chez Matsuo. The most exclusive French restaurant in Tokyo-3. People had to wait two years just to get on the waiting list for the chance to get a reservation. It was one of those places where small portions of disgusting, rarely-eaten-by-normal-folk animal parts (i.e. monkey brains, snails, fish eggs etc.) smothered in heavy sauces were considered food.  
  
The paparazzi were out in full that night. A famous movie actress and her important-by-association boyfriend were walking down the red carpet beaming at and schmoozing with the parasites/reporters. Flashbulbs were going off all over the place when everyone was silenced by a loud rumbling noise.  
  
"Look up there! Up in the sky!"  
  
"It's a bird!"  
  
"It's a plane!"  
  
"No, you idiots! It's a Pontiac Firebird Turbo Trans Am!"  
  
And so it was. The bright red pace car slammed onto the road somehow miraculously surviving instantaneous death and continued accelerating toward the restaurant at 150 miles per hour.  
  
As the stunned thong watched, the driver slammed on the brakes and pulled the parking brake at the same time sending the car into a spin. She calmly applied pressure on the wheel and executed a perfect 360 degree rotation coming to a stop directly in front of the red carpet.  
  
The photographers immediately surrounded the car leaving the now dull-as- dirt star couple in the dust. They anxiously waited for the executor of that death defying feat to come out.  
  
The driver's door opened and a shapely leg poked out followed by an equally lovely woman wearing a sparkling, lavender dress. The woman struck a pose and swished her purple hair back before winking at the camera. It was all very Marilyn Monroe. The effect was somewhat ruined by the two individuals that oozed out of the car behind her and tried to hug the ground.  
  
The two teenagers jumped to their feet when the cameras started flashing.  
  
The red-haired woman was wearing a strapless red dress and the scrawny young man was wearing... a pink tuxedo?  
  
Asuka looked him up and down then asked, "Is there something you would like to tell us?"  
  
Shinji turned the color of his suit. "I can't change the color, alright? It's not my fault!"  
  
"Whatever you say, pervert," Asuka replied grinning at him.  
  
"Do you think that these cameras will keep Misato from embarrassing us?"  
  
The Children looked at Misato who was shoving her cleavage into a reporter's face and gesturing wildly as she bragged about her driving skills.  
  
"So much for composure and modesty," Shinji commented.  
  
Asuka shrugged. "What else did you expect?"  
  
The two pilots and the major eventually got inside where a snooty-looking waiter took them to a table. Misato was ecstatic. "I've always wanted to eat here and now I am! They actually let me get past the front door! Thank you so much, Shinji. You did a great job."  
  
Shinji gave one of his rare genuine smiles. Words of praise. That was all he ever wanted.  
  
Gee, he's easy to please, Misato thought as she watched her charge fly off to cloud nine. She stood up and said, "You guys order anything you want. I'll be right back. I got to go powder my nose. Oh, who am I trying to impress? I have to take a leak."  
  
She made her way past the tables filled with the rich and famous. It was nice feeling important for once. Sure, she was a major in one of the most powerful military organizations in the world, but all that just boiled down to more paperwork and boring meetings. She was jolted out of her thoughts when she saw flash of blue hair. She backed up to take a better look. Rei?  
  
It was indeed the First Child. The girl, dressed in her school uniform as always, was sitting in a booth. A plate of half-eaten salad was in the seat across from her. Misato walked up to the table and asked, "What are you doing here, Rei?"  
  
"I am having dinner with the Commander. He is currently using the facilities," Rei replied.  
  
"If you're having dinner, how come you aren't eating anything?"  
  
"Commander Ikari does not wish to spend extra money on feeding me," Rei said simply. Then her lips curved upward slightly. "But he did promise me a few crumbs off his chocolate cheesecake."  
  
"The man's all heart," Misato said dryly. She felt sorry for the girl who was so happy to receive Ikari's scraps. The fact that this didn't even bother her made the whole thing so much sadder.  
  
"Come with me, Rei." The two walked over to Misato's table where Shinji and Asuka were flinging water at each other with spoons. Misato shook her head at these antics then she said to Rei, "Pay attention to what I'm about to say. I promise you that it is true. Shinji here has become a genie."  
  
Rei appeared to ponder this. Then she asked, "If Ikari-kun is a genie, then where is his lamp?"  
  
The occupants of the table were shocked, both at the fact that Rei knew what a genie was and that none of them had thought of that question.  
  
Shinji closed his eyes for a few seconds then he opened them looking very surprised. "My power comes from... my ring."  
  
"What ring?" Asuka asked. "You're not wearing one!"  
  
Shinji mumbled something.  
  
"Speak up, dummkopf!"  
  
"Ihavearingthroughmybellybutton."  
  
Asuka looked puzzled then she smirked widely. "You're the Genie of the Belly Button Ring?" She wiped a tear of laughter from her eye. "You just get weirder and weirder, don't you?"  
  
"Does this mean if I rub your belly, I'll get good luck?" Misato asked winking.  
  
Asuka groaned. "He's not a Buddha! Sheesh!" She looked thoughtful. "He does have the stomach for it though."  
  
"I do not!" Shinji tried to subtly suck in his gut.  
  
Asuka rolled her eyes then she took actual notice of the bluehaired girl behind Misato. "What's she doing here?"  
  
"Never mind that," Misato said brusquely. "I decided that I'm not very hungry. I want to have some fun. Let's go to Disneyworld!"  
  
"Commander Ikari will not be happy if I were to leave," Rei said.  
  
A dark look passed over Misato's face. "Let me worry about the Commander. Shinji, I need to talk to you for a moment."  
  
~*~  
  
In one of the bathroom stalls in the men's room was Gendo Ikari, Supreme Commander of NERV and all-around Very Bad Man. He was thinking deep and mysterious thoughts. Should he have the chicken or the fish? He was also seated in the Position. Yes, even on the can, Gendo sat in the Position. Not many people knew this, but sitting this way was the equivalent of other people sucking their thumbs or dragging their blankies around.  
  
Anyway, Gendo was crouched on his toilet like a gargoyle. With his arms folded and his eyes narrowed, he looked ominous, terrifying, and slightly constipated. He was considering the best option for crushing his son's spirit. Shinji had been looking happy lately and there was no way he would stand for that! No one would be happy as long as he was in charge!  
  
He reached out for the toilet paper, or at least he tried to. He found that his elbows were locked and that no amount of tugging could pry his fingers apart. He contemplated the problem. Perhaps Mother had been correct when she told him that if he kept sitting this way he would get stuck like this.  
  
~*~  
  
Disneyworld was everything Misato ever expected. Spring was in the air, children were laughing, and the capitalist money grubbers were bleeding their victims dry. Corporate Disney was in Their Kingdom; all was right with the world.  
  
Asuka had gone chasing after Mickey Mouse yelling something about how dolls deserved to die. Misato led the two other Children over to a bench to wait for the German girl to return. Asuka and Misato had changed back to their regular clothes before popping in here. Rei had no need change of course. And Shinji was currently wearing a hot pink version of his school uniform.  
  
"What are we to do here?" Rei asked.  
  
Misato turned to her with a big smile. "We're going to spin around in giant tea cups until we puke!"  
  
Rei looked at her. "Are you insane?" (2)  
  
"We're going to have so much fun!" Misato exclaimed completely ignoring Rei's question.  
  
"I do not understand the purpose of *fun.*"  
  
"Hmm, it'll take too long to explain. Shinji, I wish Rei knew how to have fun." She looked at Rei again. "And give her a sense of humor too."  
  
*BLINK!*  
  
Nothing seemed to happen, but then Rei looked at Shinji with a half-smile. "Ikari-kun, I've been meaning to comment on your outfit-"  
  
"Oh no!" Shinji retorted. "It's bad enough that Asuka and Misato make fun of me, but I'm not letting you do it too!"  
  
"No fair!" Rei whined.  
  
Shinji blinked at that then shook off the shock. "Why don't you wish for something instead?"  
  
Asuka came back smiling and holding a piece of Mickey's ear. "That doll was pretty fast, but I got my first souvenir!" Then she noticed Rei sticking out her tongue and pulling down an eyelid at Shinji. "Speaking of dolls, what's with Wondergirl? She's acting creepy."  
  
Rei frowned then grinned evilly. She whispered something into Shinji's ear.  
  
Asuka was blinded by a familiar wave of light. When it faded, she knew something had changed. She walked over to a nearby fountain and looked down. Reflecting back at her was a girl in a simple blue prairie dress adorned with flowers. She was also wearing a crisp white apron and long white bloomers. She also had curly red hair and a heavily made up face. In short, Asuka now looked like Raggedy Ann.  
  
Rei was doubled over trying futilely to contain her laughter. Then she gave up and cried, "Who's the doll now, Soryu? WHO'S THE DOLL NOW?! MUHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Asuka's rouged lips spread into an unsettling Joker-like grin. Her hands clenched into tight fists, she ran at Rei screaming, "AYANAMI! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"  
  
It was amazing how fast the albino girl could run when she put her mind to it.  
  
Shinji stared after them. Rei with a sense of humor was... interesting. He smiled slightly. "I think you created a monster, Misato."  
  
"The horror, the horror," Misato joked.  
  
"Aren't you going to stop them?" Shinji asked.  
  
"Nah. This doesn't concern me," Misato replied flippantly.  
  
"I'll get you, my prett- ahem, I mean, Ayanami! And your purple-haired bimbo friend too!"  
  
"What?!" Misato yelled. She ran in the direction of Asuka's voice. "Come back here so I can beat your ass!"  
  
"Bring it on, bitch!"  
  
Shinji sighed heavily. Then he ran after them hoping that he could stop the three most important women in his life from killing each other.  
  
~*~  
  
Many hours later, the group of not quite normal people popped back into Misato's palace. Rei and Asuka had fallen asleep not too long ago, so Shinji put Asuka in her bed and Misato, by Shinji's request, placed Rei in his bed.  
  
Misato watched Shinji set up the couch for his use. She asked, "Did you have fun today?"  
  
Shinji turned to her with a look of contentment. "I think this may have been the best day of my life. No NERV, no Angels. Just me, you, Rei, and Asuka having fun."  
  
"So it was fun for you having Asuka treat you like a servant?" Misato asked raising a skeptical eyebrow.  
  
"That's nothing new. And you're going to think I'm weird, but I liked giving all of you what you wanted."  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"Because I like making all of you happy," Shinji replied looking down sheepishly.  
  
"And what's so weird about that?" Misato asked smiling at him.  
  
Shinji smiled back but then he frowned. "Today was fun but what about tomorrow? What if I'm not a genie then? Or what if I am? What am I supposed to do? What would happen to me...?"  
  
Misato grabbed Shinji by the shoulders and shook him a little. "Don't go getting all panicky on me now. I don't know what's going to happen, but we'll deal with the problems as they come. And is being a genie really so bad?"  
  
"No, it's actually pretty fun. But pink is *so* not my color." The humor then drained from his face Shinji looked at his guardian hesitantly. "Promise you won't tell Father?"  
  
Misato shuddered at the idea. "Not for all the beer in Germany."  
  
Shinji grinned at that. "Thank you. Good night then."  
  
"Good ni-" Misato started before something occurred to her. "Hold on there a second. Oh, Shinji, you've been granting us wishes all day, but we never asked what you wanted."  
  
Shinji shook his head. "No, it's okay. It's not like I can grant my own wishes..."  
  
"Then I can make it for you. Please, Shinji. I wouldn't feel right if you didn't get something after all you did."  
  
"I'm pretty tired..."  
  
Misato adopted her serious tone. "Shinji Ikari, you will not get any sleep until you have made at least one wish tonight."  
  
Shinji knew better than to argue. He thought hard for a few minutes. He wasn't the type of guy who needed or wanted much. Wishing away his problems with the war and his father would be nice, but he had the feeling that it wouldn't be that simple. There was something else he'd thought about a lot since he came here but it was stupid. But why not?  
  
He looked up at Misato and said, "I wish..."  
  
~*~  
  
The next day, the three Children walked through NERV to get to their synch tests. It was a pretty normal scene. Asuka complaining loudly to an absentminded Shinji while Rei trailed quietly behind them. But the topic of Asuka's rants were a little bit different today.  
  
"I can't believe you made a wish like that! What are people going to think? I knew you were a pervert. Only you would wish for something stupid like this..." Asuka finally realized that Shinji wasn't paying attention to her so looked up where he was looking. She stared at it for a few moments. "Well... it is kinda nice."  
  
Above their heads on the ceiling, on every ceiling in NERV in fact, was a mural. One that wouldn't fade and couldn't be painted over. The smiling faces of Misato, Rei, and Asuka looked down at Shinji.  
  
Shinji smiled. He would no longer wake up to an unfamiliar ceiling.  
  
~*~  
  
Author's Notes: I know this isn't as funny as the prior chapters, but this one gives me a mellow feeling for some reason. I enjoyed writing it and hope you liked it too. Next up should be Gendo! (Insert scary music).  
  
*Footnotes  
  
(1) If you recognize this as being a rip-off of the opening of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis, then my, you're a literate reader. :)  
  
(2) I've been hearing commercials for the new Uptown Girls DVD on the radio all day long and I was finally forced to insert a joke about it. The movie itself isn't too good but Dakota Fanning was cool. I find movies with slightly neurotic kids interesting for some reason. Must be why I like NGE so much.  
  
*Apologies to all respective owners for my references to:  
  
-I Dream of Jeannie, Kafka's Metamorphosis, Daredevil, Aladdin, Superman, Mickey Mouse, Uptown Girls, Raggedy Ann, Batman, Ranma ½, and the Wizard of Oz. 


	4. Evil Overlord Gendo

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me and neither do the characters of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (*sob!*). They were created by the insane- ahem, *misunderstood* genius of Hideaki Anno and the other twisted minds at Gainax. ;)  
  
REMEMBER: Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but spoofs are funnier to write.  
  
Review Replies:  
  
Dany le fou - I can't believe I didn't think of that! Well, it's probably a good thing since the story would have ended rather quickly at that point...  
  
Moosey Moose - I believe I just found someone with a stranger sense of humor than mine.  
  
Hououza - I was hoping that somebody would mention Rei's wish. I have to admit that was my favorite part to write.  
  
Optimus Magnus - I wish my craziness could be explained away with mind altering chemicals, but I'm naturally this way. Scary, isn't it?  
  
Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:  
  
************************************************************  
  
NGE STEREOTYPES TAKEN TO THE EXTREME  
  
-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen  
  
************************************************************  
  
-Evil Overlord Gendo-  
  
Nighttime...  
  
It was a dark and stormy night. The rain fell in sheets drenching those unlucky stragglers forced to be out in this weather. The buildings of Tokyo- 3 have never looked so foreboding as they did that night. The power had been knocked out hours ago and the citizens of the city cowered from both the cold and the darkness. The wind howled like a banshee causing children to shiver in their beds. The air was heavy with gloom and despair.  
  
Normally the sight of such misery would have brought much joy to Gendo Ikari's withered black heart but not tonight. Not even the news about the busload of nuns that had been buried in an avalanche could bring a smile to his lips. He was that unhappy. There were many reasons for his unhappiness:  
  
1. His son was a spineless wimp who was a blight on the Ikari name.  
  
2. He was reliving the loss of his beloved Yui.  
  
3. He had brought a brand-new dashing black cape and no one had noticed.  
  
4. He couldn't do a maniacal laugh to save his life.  
  
5. He was once again brooding over the fact his villainous lair was several hundred feet below ground rather in the traditional drafty old castle.  
  
But the true reason for Gendo's foul mood this night concerned none of these. Gendo had just discovered that his application to become a member of the Evil Overlords of Earth had been denied. Again. For the fifth time that year.  
  
The EOE was the most exclusive club in the world accepting only the most dastardly and cruel. No one knew the true origins of this organization, but it was said to have been started by a group of disgruntled despots who were tired of the loneliness inherent in being an Evil Overlord. Many a would-be world conqueror failed because of their desperation to reveal their diabolical plans to someone who could understand their genius. And those someones more often than not turned out to be the heroes who would inevitably defeat them.  
  
It was disappointing that the creation of the EOE didn't stop its members from failing to conquer or destroy the world time and time again, but at least they had peers they could commiserate with at the monthly meetings.  
  
Gendo had been trying to join for the last ten years and he could not understand why he kept being rejected. Was he not the Bastard King? Children fled at the sight of him, countries trembled before his wrath, and in some parts of the world, he was considered the Antichrist. And why not? He had reached levels of blasphemy that the world had never seen! He was defying God Himself! What else did he have to do?!  
  
Fuyutsuki walked into the office and saw Gendo grumbling. "So they still won't let you in?"  
  
Gendo glared at him. "You know damn well they didn't. Do you have the latest numbers?"  
  
Fuyutsuki pulled a folder out of his satchel. "Yes. Unfortunately, you're still falling behind Hitler, Vader, and Barney the Dinosaur for Most Evil Being in the last hundred years."  
  
"I hate Barney," Gendo growled.  
  
"You and everyone else over ten. Face it, Gendo. You're an utter bastard, but you're not that Evil. I have some good news though. I found these poll results in Time."  
  
Gendo grabbed the proffered magazine and glanced at it. "Hmm. Number five. Not bad. I'm just ahead of R. Kelly and Michael Jackson for... WHAT?!!!"  
  
Gendo crumpled the magazine. "Damnation! Why does everyone think I'm a pedophile?!"  
  
"I have no idea. *cough* Rei *cough* Yui *cough* obsession."  
  
Gendo glared at the sub-commander. "Oh shut up. If all I wanted was sex with a Yui lookalike, I could have 20 prostitutes who resembled her down to the mole on her ankle here within an hour."  
  
"Yeah, that will prove you're not a sexual deviant," Fuyutsuki replied smirking.  
  
Gendo took out his revolver and shot Fuyutsuki three times in the chest then twice in the face. After the corpse had collapsed to the floor, Gendo picked up the phone and said, "Activate the Eighth."  
  
After hanging up, he wondered if creating the Fuyutsuki clones (1) had been a good idea. The man had become downright incorrigible after he discovered that he was virtually immortal. On the other hand, killing his old sensei once in a while was a great stress reliever.  
  
~*~  
  
Next morning...  
  
Fuyutsuki massaged his neck as he walked down the corridor. It was nice not having to worry about death anymore, but the amount of time it took to wear in a new body grated on him. Perhaps he should stop needling Gendo so much. Nah.  
  
It wasn't like he did any actual work around here. Standing around and nodding solemnly at appropriate moments was pretty much the sum of his duties. The change in routine was refreshing if somewhat painful.  
  
He walked into Gendo's office and wondered if a toy store had exploded. The room was filled with Christmas trees, wrapped presents, nativity scenes, yule logs, stockings, and piles of frozen turkeys. And in the center of it all was Gendo dressed like a conductor playing with a train set.  
  
So he finally snapped, Fuyutsuki thought. No, there had to be a logical explanation for this.  
  
"Choo, choo!" Gendo cheered.  
  
Perhaps he was too quick to dismiss the insanity idea. Fuyutsuki asked, "What are you doing?"  
  
Gendo got to his feet. "It's my most brilliant idea ever! What better way to prove my Evil? I have stolen Christmas from the children of Tokyo-3!"  
  
Fuyutsuki looked at him oddly. "I hate to break it to you, but it's been done."  
  
Gendo's smile disappeared. "What you talking about, Kouzo?"  
  
"Haven't you heard of Doctor Seuss?" Fuyutsuki asked.  
  
Gendo rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "So this Seuss stole my idea. I think we need to make an example of this man. No one crosses Gendo Ikari and lives!"  
  
Fuyutsuki stared at his former student in disbelief. "Even as a child, you were one messed-up little bastard, weren't you?"  
  
Gendo shot him again.  
  
~*~  
  
Next day...  
  
"What are you hoping to accomplish with this?" Fuyutsuki asked watching Gendo fiddle with the knobs on the television set.  
  
"I decided that I needed to relax. And messing with my son is always relaxing."  
  
"Gendo..."  
  
"Ssh! It's starting."  
  
~*~  
  
Shinji Ikari woke up and tried to rub the grit from his eyes. But his arm was jerked back before it reached his face. Shinji seemed to realize that something was wrong. His sluggish brain leaped into overdrive as it computed the following facts:  
  
Fact 1: There was another person next to him.  
  
Fact 2: There was a metal band around his wrist.  
  
Fact 3: There was a metal band around the other person's wrist.  
  
Fact 4: There was a chain connecting the two metal bands.  
  
Conclusion 1: He was handcuffed to the other person.  
  
Fact 5: A close look revealed he was naked.  
  
Fact 6: A closer, longer look revealed that the other person was also naked.  
  
Fact 7: The other person was Asuka.  
  
Conclusion 2: He was going to die.  
  
"Oh, mother of God, no..." Shinji whimpered.  
  
Asuka yawned and opened her eyes. She blinked, confusion evident on her face. Then her face went from angelic to demonic in the space of a second. "PERVERT!!!"  
  
"Not the face! Not the face!"  
  
BAM! POW! SLAM!  
  
~*~  
  
Fuyutsuki looked over to a snickering Gendo. "You may not get into the EOE, but you're a shoe-in for Worst Father of the Decade."  
  
"Wait, there's more," Gendo said.  
  
~*~  
  
After Shinji had received the beating of a lifetime, Asuka had gotten Misato to get the handcuffs off. Now, Shinji sagged onto his bed and reached for his SDAT player. He put the headphones on and pressed play.  
  
"Aahhh!" Shinji screamed throwing the player across the room.  
  
"...I love you, you love me... we're a happy family..."  
  
Shinji shook a fist at the ceiling. "Why are you doing this to me?!" He sighed. "At least this day can't get any worse."  
  
~*~  
  
Gendo had fallen out of his chair and was struggling to breathe. "The laughter hurts... BWHAHAHAHA! Wait until he finds out about the naked baby pictures I posted on his class website."  
  
Fuyutsuki held a hand to his face. "Ikari, you had your fun, but you really need to do something despicable and Evil if you want to keep your edge."  
  
Gendo sobered up. "You're right. I know just what to do."  
  
~*~  
  
One week later...  
  
"This isn't quite what I had in mind," Fuyutsuki said. From the hangar overlooking the bridge, he and Gendo could see firsthand the results of NERV's "All Female Employees Must Come to Work Naked" Day.  
  
Misato was glaring at the bridge crew as if daring them to look up from their workstations.  
  
Asuka had already beaten up three security agents for 'looking at her funny.'  
  
Rei was looking around curiously and wondering what the big deal was.  
  
Shinji had passed out from a massive nosebleed half an hour ago.  
  
Fuyutsuki tried once again to talk some sense into his friend. "Gendo, this isn't Evil... it's just perverted."  
  
Gendo was too busy adjusting his binoculars to reply.  
  
~*~  
  
A few weeks after that...  
  
The time for fun and games was over. He had to take a proactive approach to becoming an Evil Overlord. It had taken him a few weeks pulling every string he had, but he finally obtained a private meeting with the EOE Selection Committee. He sat in the holographic projection room waiting for the appointed time. He briefly wondered if the price for this meeting was too high. He had promised the committee the firstborn child of his son. Well, he had always hated children and the likelihood of Shinji ever getting laid was slim so it was win-win either way.  
  
His lip curled as the first projection appeared. Sauron. That puffed up fireball was a waste of hot air. Behind the media hype and the movie endorsements was nothing more than the loser who had been defeated by two hobbits. Hobbits!  
  
The second projection was only slightly better. Voldemort, terror of the Wizarding World. Gendo admitted that the wizard had definite power and skill, but he was a pompous ass. A slightly cracked one at that. Not many villains got second chances and this man wasted his on his obsession over some little boy. (AN: Gendo's perfectly aware of his own obsessions so no need to point that out to me.)  
  
The three members meeting him were supposed to be some of the most feared people of the late 20th century, but so far he wasn't impressed. Then he saw the third projection and a chill went down his spine as his eyes fell upon the man whose evil was still plaguing the people of the world. Bill Gates, the inventor of the Blue Screen of Death, a truly horrendous creation.  
  
It had taken months of negotiation with the world monopoly to convince them that it might not be a good idea to outfit the supercomputer responsible for saving the world with a Windows operating system. (2)  
  
Voldemort leaned forward and asked, "Why have you called us?"  
  
Gendo tried to hide his disgust as how horribly those beady red eyes clashed with the grey skin. At least when we designed Rei we had some sense of aesthetics, Gendo thought. Then he composed himself and said, "I demand to know why I keep being rejected for membership."  
  
Voldemort replied, "I would have thought it was obvious. You're attempting to save the world from the monsters who would destroy it. That's not exactly EOE material."  
  
"But that's just a cover," Gendo protested. "I have truly nefarious plans. I do!"  
  
"I'm sure you do, but until you succeed or more likely fail spectacularly you can't join. Also, you answer to a group of old men, which makes you a lackey, and it doesn't matter how impressive a lackey is."  
  
"Darth Vader was a lackey!"  
  
Voldemort shrugged. "Vader was cool so he got away with it."  
  
Gendo almost snarled but caught himself. "Surely there is something I can do to prove myself."  
  
The three Evil Overlords conferred quietly then Voldemort spoke again. "We understand that these Angels have to be stopped, but it has occurred to us that you do not need *all* your pilots to do so."  
  
"I see." Gendo sat quietly for a moment. "And what of my fee for this meeting?"  
  
"Waived, of course."  
  
~*~  
  
One day later...  
  
"You're really going to do this?" Fuyutsuki asked. "To your own son? Oh sorry, I forgot who I was talking to."  
  
Gendo looked irritated. "Don't you understand? This will put me over the top. And I won't be doing it personally. I would never dirty my hands with such menial labor."  
  
"Do you really believe that there is no blood on your hands? Yui will never forgive you for killing her son."  
  
The words were out there, finally spoken out loud rendering both men silent.  
  
Then Gendo shook his head and said, "Let me worry about Yui." He tapped his fingers. "Rei should be finished around now."  
  
Fuyutsuki looked surprised. "You had Rei do it?"  
  
Gendo smirked. "I thought it would be a delicious twist. And wait until you hear the best part. I told her to bring me my son's head. I'd like to see someone top that!"  
  
Fuyutsuki looked sick.  
  
"She should be here soon."  
  
The door opened and Rei came in. She looked paler than usual. She gave a slight bow and said, "I have brought you the head of Shinji Ikari."  
  
Gendo looked at the object cradled in the girl's arms. "Rei... IT'S STILL CONNECTED TO THE REST OF HIM!"  
  
Shinji woke up. "Where am I? And why are you holding me, Rei? Is Father messing with me again?"  
  
Gendo stared at Rei wondering if she had misunderstood his orders. She wouldn't meet his eyes. A scowl came over his features as he realized what was going on. He struggled to control his anger. She was his! How dare she disobey him? He wanted to order Rei to finish the job he sent her to do, but he knew that would only prolong his humiliation.  
  
He said dangerously, "We will speak of this later. Now get out."  
  
Rei bowed again and left with Shinji still in her arms.  
  
Fuyutsuki looked after them. He said quietly, "Should I prepare a replacement?"  
  
"No," Gendo replied. "Rei just helped me realize something. You were right, Professor. I haven't achieved anything with these stupid stunts. I call myself a criminal mastermind, but I don't even have the respect of my own puppet. It's time I took some real action."  
  
~*~  
  
One month later...  
  
The room was suddenly filled with black monoliths.  
  
"Why have you called us here, Ikari?" Seele 01 asked.  
  
Gendo stood in the center of the room, his back ramrod straight and his arms held loosely by his side. He said, "It has come to my attention that there is a problem with our partnership."  
  
"What are you talking about? There is no partnership. You work for us!" Seele 05 said.  
  
"That is the problem."  
  
There was complete silence in the room. Then Seele 01 said, "You do not want to do this, Ikari."  
  
Gendo smiled. "Don't I? I have the MAGI. I have the Evangelions. And you? All you have is money. And I don't need that as much as you think."  
  
"Ikari, reconsider. We are some of the most powerful people on the planet..." Seele 10 began.  
  
"Correction. You *were* some of the most powerful people on the planet." Gendo raised his wrist to his mouth and spoke into his cufflink. "Now."  
  
Gunshots rang out. Sounds of doors being broken were distinct in the background. The monoliths cried out in shock and pain before their images turned to static.  
  
TRANSMISSION TERMINATED  
  
Gendo shook his head in mock sadness. "Did you really think you could hide from me?"  
  
~*~  
  
Twelve hours later...  
  
"Report."  
  
Fuyutsuki shook his head in amazement. "The JSSDP have sworn allegiance to you, which pretty much gives you control of Japan. The UN is in chaos. And word through the back channels is that the European Union is interested in opening talks with you."  
  
Gendo steepled his fingers looking strangely like Monty Burns. "Ex-cel- lent."  
  
"Why are you doing this? None of this will matter after Instrumentality."  
  
Gendo was intently studying a world map. "Today Japan. Tomorrow the world!"  
  
Fuyutsuki tried again. "What about Yui?"  
  
"Yui who? Oh, her." Gendo shrugged. "It's not like she's going anywhere. And she knows that it's always been a dream of mine to take over the world."  
  
"And such a grand dream it is too."  
  
"I always thought so," Gendo replied totally missing the sarcasm.  
  
"What do you plan to do now?" Fuyutsuki asked deciding to give in to this madness.  
  
Gendo smirked. "To take care of the sleeping giant in the west."  
  
~*~  
  
Later that afternoon (Pacific Standard Time)...  
  
Imagine if you will, a bloody war scene from any famous military movie. Pearl Harbor, Saving Private Ryan, whatever. Now toss in some high tech weapons and three biomechanical Godzillas and you get an image that's pretty close to this director's cut of 'The EVAs Take America."  
  
And if you're the squeamish type, you can imagine those tanks being stepped on and those planes falling to the ground in flaming pieces of wreckage are being piloted by robot drones.  
  
The three EVAs continued their stroll across the Midwest toward D.C trailing the longest extension cords the world had ever seen. Guiness World Records was en route to meet them later. In one of their rare quiet moments, Asuka asked, "Doesn't this seem wrong to anyone?"  
  
Shinji replied, "Well, normally, I would say yes but it feels kinda good taking out these arrogant Americans."  
  
"I'm an American!" (3)  
  
"Fancy that," Shinji said innocently.  
  
"Argh!" Asuka growled. "Don't you care that your father's trying to take over the world?"  
  
"Not really. The world's going to be messed up no matter who's in charge."  
  
"Thank you for your cheerful outlook on life. What do you think, Rei? Rei? Damn it, turn on your screen!"  
  
Rei's monitor remained blank as it had all day.  
  
Shinji's voice grew concerned. "Rei, please turn on your screen. We need to see that you're okay? Did Father do something to you?"  
  
There was a long pause then Rei's image appeared on her screen. Her face was etched with misery. This may have been due to the metal collar fastened around her neck, which was inscribed with the words, PROPERTY OF GENDO IKARI.  
  
Asuka looked over at Shinji and raised an eyebrow.  
  
Shinji growled, "As I was saying, let's kill the bastard! But first..."  
  
Shinji took great pleasure in stomping on a nearby McDonald's. "That's for making McNuggets all white meat, you morons!" (4)  
  
A few hours later, the three giant robots were huddled around the glowing remains of a nuclear power plant trying to ward off the chill of a Michigan winter. The three pilots were once again reminded of the downsides of feeling everything an EVA felt. (AN: What *is* the upside to that, anyway?)  
  
"So anybody - got - any bright ideas - for stopping Ikari?" Asuka asked through clattering teeth.  
  
"There is nothing we can do. The Commander has a scenario against everything," Rei said absentmindedly. She was intently trying to pick the padlock on her collar.  
  
"That's impossible!" Shinji scoffed. "Does he have a plan against-"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What about-"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What if we-"  
  
"Wouldn't work."  
  
"Could you let me finish-"  
  
"No."  
  
Deciding that Rei was in a bad mood, Shinji executed Escape Plan 7 (Avoid Wrath of Angry Female) and tried to fade into the background.  
  
Asuka rolled her eyes at the sight of a cringing EVA then turned to Rei. "Okay, Miss Smarty Pants. Since you're such the expert, why don't *you* come up with a plan?"  
  
A strange glint appeared in Rei's eyes. "Very well. I will do so." Then she smiled a very small and very evil smile.  
  
~*~  
  
Three weeks later...  
  
Gendo walked through NERV wondering what was going on. The closer he got to Central Dogma, the more frantic everyone around him became. People were fleeing at the sight of him and while that wasn't unheard of he felt uneasy anyway. Upon stepping onto the bridge, he pulled Fuyutsuki aside. "What's going on? I've seen headless chickens with more composure."  
  
"They're afraid of your reaction." Fuyutsuki looked around. "Let's go to your office."  
  
Walking down the long corridors, Fuyutsuki said, "First of all, the EVAs have vanished from our tracking systems. We have no idea where they are right now."  
  
"So the Children have rebelled. No matter. We can easily get them to come back by holding Major Katsuragi hostage."  
  
"Katsuragi's gone with about a third of the personnel."  
  
Gendo shrugged. "That just means I have less parasites to pay. Back to important matters. The loss of Unit 01 is disconcerting but not fatal to the scenario. I'm sure the MAGI can create new EVAs from the graveyard..."  
  
Fuyutsuki's voice lowered. "The MAGI are gone along with the EVA graveyard, the Dummy Plug system, and all the cloning technology."  
  
Gendo's eye twitched. He took a deep breath then said, "So the Children want to fight the Angels on their own. Fine. I could use the vacation. I admit that this complicates things a bit but we will pull through. All that matters is Instrumentality."  
  
"They also took Lilith, the Lance, and the Adam embryo."  
  
Gendo stopped in his tracks. He slowly turned to the other man and screamed, "HOW THE HELL DID THEY MANAGE THAT?!!!"  
  
His body started trembling and his face turned red. Then he began swearing at the top of his lungs. "#@^$%$%$#&!!! $#^$&*&%%$#@!!! **^$&%^&*^!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The walls began to melt, the lights shattered, and two nearby technicians spontaneously combusted.  
  
Once Gendo had finished, Fuyutsuki pulled out his earplugs and continued, "I have no idea how they did all this, but Rei is obviously the mastermind. She has the highest security clearance after you and me."  
  
Gendo massaged his temples. So the student sought to surpass the master, did she? He'd have some coffee first then get to work on bringing down his wayward creation. He opened the door to his office and stood frozen in shock. "She... took... my... desk."  
  
And thus the Great Ayanami-Ikari War was begun.  
  
Or it would have started except...  
  
*ring*  
  
Gendo took out his cell phone. "Hello?"  
  
"This is Social Services. Our records indicate that you haven't paid child support for a Shinji Ikari for the last ten years..."  
  
"What the-"  
  
*ring*  
  
"Please hold. Hello?"  
  
"This is the Society for the Livelihood of Artificial People. SLAP is bringing a lawsuit against you for abusing the rights of your creations..."  
  
"I don't know who you are but you can't-"  
  
*ring*  
  
Gendo sighed. "Hello?"  
  
"This is the U.S Department of Homeland Security. In cooperation with the Japanese Government, we have frozen your accounts..."  
  
*ring*  
  
...it seemed that Gendo was going to have his hands full for a while.  
  
~*~  
  
In an underground office far, far away...  
  
A pair of red eyes peered over the top of her clasped hands. "The scenario is going as planned. By the time Ikari escapes the web we have spun for him, it will be too late to stop our plans..."  
  
Shinji and Asuka looked at each other as Rei continued ranting.  
  
Asuka whispered, "I think the desk is getting to her."  
  
"Yeah... let's blame it on the desk. Just come on and help me," Shinji said. He and Asuka both grabbed an arm and dragged a struggling Rei from the office.  
  
"What are you doing? I order you to release me. I am Commander Ayanami!"  
  
Shinji glared at Asuka. "This is your fault, you know."  
  
Asuka shrugged helplessly. "I sent that application in as a joke! How was I supposed to know that the EOE would accept her?"  
  
~*~  
  
Author's Aftersection  
  
Vincent: MUHAHAHA...ugh... Note to self - work on evil laughter.  
  
Shinji: I can't believe you ended it like that...  
  
Vincent: It's just a joke. We both know that Rei would never try to take over the world. Right, Rei?"  
  
Rei: Hai...  
  
(Rei quickly hides the schematics for what appears to be a thermonuclear device in her bag.)  
  
Vincent: Let's take a break before we get back to work.  
  
(A little while later, Asuka comes in to see Rei, Shinji and Vincent lying on the floor staring at the ceiling.)  
  
Asuka: Why are you just staring at the ceiling? It's not even one of Shinji's magical ones.  
  
Vincent: We are not simply staring at the ceiling. We are pondering deep thoughts about our lives and the world we live in. It's called introspection and doing it on a regular basis like we are will help ensure good mental health.  
  
Rei: I am just staring at the ceiling.  
  
Shinji: Uh... me too.  
  
Vincent (sighs): You two give introverts a bad name.  
  
(The trio go back to staring at the ceiling. Asuka, not wanting to be left out, joins them.)  
  
(A few minutes later...)  
  
Asuka (whines): I'm bored... Shinji, want to kiss?  
  
(Shinji tries to hide behind Rei. Asuka thinks this is perverted somehow and attacks Shinji. Rei tries futilely to escape and gets further entangled up with the two screaming Children.)  
  
Vincent (turns to audience): Do you see what I have to work with?  
  
~*~  
  
Author's Comments:  
  
I really dislike Gendo Ikari (I'd say hate but you can't really hate a fictional person) so I was surprised at how much fun I had with this chapter. This came from an impulse to deny Gendo something he really wanted and the story just exploded from there. As for the means of his downfall, I suppose I could have wrote some epic battle pitting mighty forces against each other, but I'm a fan of poetic justice and it was more satisfying to have Gendo face his worst nightmare: loss of control.  
  
*Footnotes:  
  
(1) I got the Fuyutsuki clones idea from the Eva fic, "Conversations and Observations," by Pitviper. You can find the link under My Favorites Stories on my profile page.  
  
(2) This joke was inspired by a fic by Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong called "MS- MAGI."  
  
(3) Asuka is an American citizen with mixed German-Japanese blood who was raised in Germany. People tend to forget that for some reason.  
  
(4) *shrug* I like dark meat.  
  
*Apologies to all respective owners for my references to:  
  
-Star Wars, Barney, Grinch, Different Strokes, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Simpsons, Pearl Harbor, Saving Private Ryan, and Godzilla.  
  
Please review! 


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